Disease Behavior

I was looking through the Mitch Hedberg page on Wikiquote today. I was particularly struck by one of the quotes; I have to disagree. While I admit full responsibility for the alienating behavior that I have displayed throughout my life, having a mood disorder or other mental illness is also a disease you can get yelled at for having. Being an asshole is certainly a character flaw in anyone. Having problems with certain parts of the brain disconnecting, so to speak, can make it worse. Knowing that even in treatment, sometimes you become this person you do not want to be, being able to see it happen, but not do much about it, sucks. It creates that many more anxieties about social situations. I have only been so fucked up that the end of the night got fuzzy a few times, but there have been myriad times that I have added to the dazzling web that is agoraphobia because I was worried that I acted in an abberant fashion; eventually developing the personal Weltanschauung that there is no one that could want my company or association, personally or professionally. I have had *weeks* where I generally acted in a manner that sometimes has me collapsed in the bathroom crying over, to the people I love and care about, but the only memories I have of that time are as if it were a movie I'd watched a few times. If I was a drunk, I'm sure it would be hard to quit drinking - I have my own substance abuse issues, so I understand to certain degree- but what the fuck are you supposed to do when your brain makes the shit you get high on? Cooking makes me feel less depressed and anxious, and I think that's why I have spent the last few years trying to be very good at it. But thinking I can overcome my ingrained behavior, whether learned or congenitally informed, simply by trying to will it so, and rejecting the known methods for resolving those issues, is highly unscientific. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, right? I have to call Catholic Social Services tomorrow.